By Cameron Crane
I remember my first day of fifth grade like it was yesterday. I had just
transferred to a new school, and had an overwhelming blend of anxiety and
excitement. Everything went perfectly in the morning: I didn’t mess up when I
was introducing myself to the class, I got assigned to a table with people I
could envision befriending, and I got the answer right the first time I was
ever called on. Yes, the day was going perfectly for me, but that wasn’t the
case for my little brother, who was entering his first day of first grade. It
was around noon when I got pulled out of class to go comfort my brother, who
had just been punched in the stomach by a fourth-grader on the playground.
I recall the anger and frustration I felt as I marched to
the playground. I gave my brother a comforting hug, and asked him to point out
the bully who had the nerve to hit him. I studied the culprit from head to toe,
tempted to confront him and let him know that he should pick on somebody his
own size – like me for starters.
Luckily, the situation was already being handled by Yard Duty, and I was
prevented from reacting … or overreacting.
As I sat there consoling my brother, we were approached by
another first grader. Apparently, he was the one who had notified the adults
about the situation. He sat down next to my brother, and placed a reassuring hand on his
shoulder, “I’m really sorry about that, Jack. I hope you aren’t hurt too much.”
It turned out that the fourth-grader who had punched my
brother was notorious for being problematic on the playground. He was promptly
sent to the principal's office, and sent home from school. The first-grader who
had approached us to apologize was his younger brother. He and my brother
became instant friends.
This story is not an unusual one. It seems that every day we
hear about a new instance of bullying. But how often do we actually hear about
people like that first-grader? Do we have enough systems in place that
recognize acts of kindness on the playground, or is it the bullies that seem to
get all the attention?
Luckily, many schools do have programs like “Character
Cards”, which can be given out as recognition to children exhibiting acts of
kindness, generosity, etc. However, the power to give out these cards typically lies in the hands of teachers, who may not be around to witness these acts. In
my opinion, it would be wonderful to give children the opportunity to
publically recognize their peers. I know that had I been given the opportunity,
I would have loved to thank that first-grader with a Character Card.
Even without a system in place, there are many great ways to
recognize acts of kindness. I recommend having a conversation with your
children about thanking their peers for their positive actions, the same way we
have asked them not to let bullying go unnoticed.
Prompt: Try this today!
Choose two classmates and tell each of them something good that you admire about them. Ask them to pass it on by doing the same for someone else.
Question: Is kindness an inherent trait, or is it a learned
behavior?
Image Credit: govandc.com, smileyme.com
I think kindness might be both learned and inherited. I would hope that Lord of the Flies wouldn't be the norm!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to say, though. Our son is four, and will often ask for a particular snack. "I want cheese, Mama, please!" After a brief rummage in the fridge, he brings back two pieces. "Mama wants cheese, too." We didn't teach him to do that; he did it on his own.
Perhaps kindness IS an inherent trait, while manners are a learned behavior? It's a constant process, teaching a child to say please and thank you, but that same child will see someone sick or hurt and want to offer (without a hint of prompting) a hug or kind words.
Thanks Cameron. After working with children, I find some are inherently kind and some can be taught.
ReplyDeleteI was a bullied kid when I moved to Marin. As someone who was blessed with friends in my previous school and a nice kid, the experience was painful and confusing. And also made me more empathetic and thoughtful. Kids learn to be kind thru experience when they remember how it feels to be kind, how it benefits them and those around them, kindness flourishes.
I remember being bullied as a child, and making a deal with myself not only to never do that someone else, but to take time to notice and talk to people I saw bullied. It worked beautifully- years later one of the girls I used to make an extra effort to be kind to called out of the blue and told me how much it had meant to her. Little acts of kindness ultimately never go unrewarded, but I really like the idea of the character cards, and peer encouragement. This is a wonderful post, Cameron, timely and with great advice.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I have a confession to make. I was bullied in 4th grade, and quite by accident, I got the upper hand in the ensuing fight which resulted in the most confusing day of my young life. I was a hero with all my little friends for winning the fight, but got in huge trouble with parents and teachers for fighting to begin with! Talk about mixed feelings. :/
ReplyDeleteA part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteYou got that right! That's the hardest part, when they don't deserve it. Sometimes it's difficult just being polite.
ReplyDeleteAt Lone Mountain Children's Center, where my girls went to preschool, children are able to acknowledge one another's acts of kindness. They report the act to one of the teachers who then assists the child in adding a paper link to a chain. Once the chain reaches a certain length, then the whole class gets to enjoy a pizza party together. Positively reinforcing desired behavior really works.
ReplyDeleteI was bullied all throughout school. Its the worst feeling and really has an affect on how you experience your adolescent school years. As a child I was bullied by my peers for being overweight, this lasted from kindergarden to about sixth grade. My body changed the summer of the sixth grade and I can remember the bullying stopped from the boys, and turned into vicious, malicious, taunting from the girls. Because I had developed so quickly I was ashamed of my body and therefore wore baggy clothes and a coat even when it was hot and I was sweaty. In high school I became comfortable with my physical changes as I began to realize the approval of my physical characteristics from the oposite sex. As an adult, I look back at those years and appreciate them. I learned that one of the most powerful tools we can give to our children is to help them discover themselves in the midst of all that is involved in growing up, and to never be afraid to be who they are.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This obviously is a topic I feel very passionately about. :)
Well, I can confess that in school I played both sides. I was a bully, and later, I experienced bullying. What sticks out in my mind is that throughout the transition the "playground heroes" remained the same. I appreciate those people for their deep-routed kindness, and their understanding. Thank you everybody, for your comments below, and for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAhh, Dani, you made me smile and laugh out loud. Thanks for your candor.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Melanie, I've thought of this over the years. What gave me the upper hand in this silly fight, was accidentally stepping on the other girl's foot and pulling her shoe off as she fell. I remember noticing earlier in the day that they were a little too big for her, and have wondered if she was wearing somebody else's shoes and panicked that they might get lost or damaged. I either got the upper hand being a klutz, having a good guardian angel, or dealing with a situation that had hidden elements that I wasn't aware of.
ReplyDelete