I am no longer married to the father of my two girls. Despite our very best efforts, our marriage didn’t work. When we separated, our oldest daughter was 14 months old, and I was 7 months pregnant with our youngest daughter. I’m sure you can imagine the heartbreak and anguish we both experienced as we dissolved our marriage.
I can remember agonizing over the decision about whether or not to invite the girls’ father to be present for the birth of our youngest daughter. While our relationship was obviously very strained at that point, I truly wanted him to feel connected to his daughter and to experience her birth. Ultimately, the decision was made for me as I ended up having Alex in the back of the Subaru of my doula.
Our unspoken pact. Immediately following the birth, I was euphoric. Her birth was seamless, and when I collected her into my arms for the very first time she was breathing and cooing. I knew that she was just fine. In the first few seconds of her life outside the womb, I asked my doula to hand me her phone. I called my daughter’s father and woke him from a sound sleep. I explained to him what had just happened and invited him to meet me at the hospital to cut the umbilical cord. Not surprisingly, I had to repeat myself as he was (understandably) in shock.
He met me at the hospital and separated our daughter from me. With this symbolic gesture the two of us forged our co-parenting relationship. In that moment we made an unspoken pact to love our children, to do whatever is in their best interests, and to work together to achieve that end.
It was not easy at first. We both needed to heal and to get beyond the issues in our marriage that precluded us from communicating well. But soon, we both realized that it was possible to transcend our differences and focus on our common interests—our girls. We started as dysfunctional parents and emerged as strong co-parents.
What does it mean to be strong co-parents? It means:
- Referring to one another as Daddy or Mommy to your children or as “the father/mother of my children” to others;
- Speaking respectfully about not only the other co-parent but also their new partners;
- Making material decisions together (e.g., about schools, how to respond to behavior challenges, enrichment activities, etc.);
- Celebrating the birthdays of your children together;
- If possible, celebrating Father’s Day and Mother’s Day together;
- Going Trick-or-Treating together;
- Providing your children as much access to the other co-parent as practicable;
- Keeping the co-parent appraised of your children’s changing schedules and needs;
- Saving them a seat at the school assembly;
- Attending parent-teacher conferences together;
- Being dynamic and flexible about your co-parenting schedule and being receptive to changing it either to meet the needs of the children or one of the parents (e.g., to accommodate a vacation or business trip); and
- Maintaining a relationship with your co-parent’s parents; in most cases they are powerful allies who also love and want what’s best for your children.
Remain focused on what’s best for your children. Not all divorces turn out this well as I know from divorcing the father of my son. For those of you who have experienced the torment of an acrimonious divorce, I completely empathize with you. The only advice I can offer is that to the extent possible: (i) try to remain focused on what is in the best interest of your children and not on what your former spouse is doing to complicate the issues; (ii) check your ego (because that’s the only one over which you really have control); and (iii) find resolve in the knowledge that it isn’t about you, it is about your children and what they need from you. You brought your children into the world, and now it is your responsibility to do your best for them.
The transition from being parents to co-parents is challenging not only for the grown-ups but also, of course, for the children. Be attentive to that. Listen to your children. Acknowledge their sadness, anger, and/or frustration. Recognize that when they act out, this difficult transition may be the underlying cause. Spend one-on-one time with them to dispel their fears and anxieties and to let them know how much they are loved.
What do you think? As always, we welcome your comments and suggestions on making the transition from parents to co-parents. We are especially interested in advice or anecdotes about positive transitions. Please share your thoughts with us.
15 comments:
Rana, thank you for this heartfelt post. I love your tips for co-parenting. I especially love your three key pieces of advice. From my experience with my own parents divorcing, and from working in a family law office, I can safely say that divorce does not have to be a traumatic experience for children.
It does, however, take a lot of work and cooperation from both parents. It is difficult to put your personal feelings and hurt aside to focus on a common goal, but it can truly make a huge difference. It is a blessing that you have been able to do this for your children.
One of the things that can be helpful, I've found, is for parents going through a divorce to sit down separately and write down their top five future goals for their children, and then to come together to discuss them. This is an interesting experience because many times the goals are the same- for them to be happy, loved, successful, educated, etc. Recognizing this can help you see past your differences to your common interests, and to reach an agreement that will help ensure your children get there.
Your co-parenting tips are wonderful. I firmly believe it is so important to put the children ahead of whatever else is going on. Shared family time, especially in its new incarnation, provides a strong and safe framework for the children. Their sense of security is paramount.
Fortunately, this is an area that I'm not familiar with. I admire the parents that have put the well being of their children above the hurt feelings and the anger they have for their ex-spouse. I can see where this takes a lot of work and emotional well being on both sides. Difficult, but possible.
A few modifications on that list and it would be a great guideline for UN-divorced parents! Often, shared responsibility of the children's well-being isn't exactly equitable. Even in this day of awareness.
Thank you for sharing this very personal topic. The best interest of your children should always be top priority and I know you do a wonderful job of this naturally. When parents can effectively communicate it makes the transitions that children have much easier. Thank you again.
This is a very powerful post. I could feel the emotion as I read it. Congratulations on knowing that what is best for the children is the most important issue. I commend you both.
Monti
NotesAlongTheWay
It takes a lot of strength to be so focused and clear. You have a wonderful perspective, Rana. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it helps the many people who lose sight of what is most important when changing life situations: the children. Continued happiness for you and your little pickles.
Rana, that was so well put, and thorough. Having a 16-year old, and co-parenting with her Dad since she was 9, I can tell you that everything you have suggested will pay off in both your children's teens, and in your own life as a conscious parent. I have found that our devotion to our daughter keeps our own personal growth on the high road! My only addition to your sound advice is this: it has been extraordinarily helpful to consult both with divorced parents of children older than ours -- people we admire for their commitments to honesty, family and connection to their children -- and with still-married parents of solid, grounded, wonderful children. We have learned so much from both. ~ Katherine Macomber Millman
Wow, Rana, that is a very powerful testament and resolve to focus on what is best for your children. I certainly can attest to having seen many failed, acrimonious divorces where what was best for the kids was never part of the solution.
What I like about your approach, Rana, is that it is based on real-time practical bullet points, and not the protracted finding-your-inner-child exercises. Sometimes we need to act quickly and decisively for our children's sake and sort out our own personal issues secondarily. I appreciate your openess, honesty and willingness to share some painful transitions with your family. Transitions. Sounds like a great idea for another Little Pickle Press book!
Thank you for sharing those wonderful insights from your own experience, Rana. After finally completing a 3-year custody fight, I have so much more perspective now on what's really important. To never lose sight of how your kids will be impacted by each decision, and then the compassion & patience to see them through it -- it is the best gift to give them during a far from ideal set of circumstances. You are so clearly a strong & wonderful mother to your kids -- they are very lucky to have you!
As Anne Lamott says, "Good writing is about telling the truth." You are a good writer and I respect this personal heartfelt post. These tips are great. You are great.
Christine: I hope that you find peace now that you are on the other side of your battle. And compassion and patience are enormously helpful strengths to apply to co-parenting. Thanks for the reminder.
Katherine: I agree that consulting with co-parents and parents of children who are balanced is a great way to garner best practices. Thanks for the suggestion.
Cameron: Identifying the goals co-parents share for their children is a wonderful way to gain solidarity and to set aside the emphasis on the means and instead focus on the ends. Thanks for the valuable suggestion.
This interested me because in my case my son's father wasn't interested in parenting; years would go by between visits, and months between phone calls. That was hard, particularly in the early days when all of the pain of the dissolving relationship was front and center. But I had recently observed what happened to the children in some of the marriages around me when the marriages fell apart and the kids became emotional footballs. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn't want that to happen to my son. However, his father was showing little if any interest. I learned to simply accept what he offered, to teach my son to do the same, and to seek out other avenues for meeting my son's emotional needs. It wasn't easy, but I refused to talk negatively about his father, or to criticize him for his lack of involvement. If my son brought it up I listened to what he had to say, and then turned the talk to how he might like to see things, and how this was an opportunity for him to understand how to do things differently. I got him involved in sports with some caring, supportive, coaches, and encouraged friendships that allowed him to spend time with friends who had safe, trustworthy adult men. The payoff has been that in the last few years my son has gone to visit his dad and his stepmom a couple times, and has very much enjoyed himself. He particularly likes his dad's new wife (who seems very sweet). After his last visit he told me that he doesn't really think of his dad as a dad, but as more of a friend. I'm glad he's had the opportunity to build a positive relationship with him. It would have been nice for him to have a dad, but that's not how it worked out--and having a son with the ability to understand his dad's limitations and still forge a friendship is a good thing.
I just Tweeted this post. You are a remarkable woman for putting your children first. Your many feelings expressed here are exactly why I wrote, "Where Am I Sleeping Tonight?-A Story of Divorce", Boulden Publishing, 2008. Your article serves the same purpose as I hope my book does...to inspire parents to be the best parents possible so they can raise secure and well adjusted children despite the pain divorce brings to all family members. Thanks again for sharing this personal post, and for the incredible types of books Pickle Press seeks to publish.
Thank you, Rana, for sharing your experience with us. I have too many friends that grew up divided between their parents and they often had to act as a mediator to keep the peace within the family. I think these wonderful tips will help parents navigate the transition of divorce and learn how important it is to put your children's needs first.
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