Need vs. Want: Helping Children To Understand the Difference

By Rana DiOrio, Founder, Little Pickle Press

We tell our children that they need food, shelter, and love. Everything else represents things they want. We give them the things they need. We encourage them to earn the things they want, or we give them the objects of their desire for birthdays, holidays, or other special occasions. They “earn” what they want by accumulating Put-Ups (Random Acts of Kindness), accruing stars on our Chore Chart, or from actually making money by helping with special projects around the house (such as picking the sticky berries off our tri-fig plant; the going rate is a penny a berry!).

I think that all too often our children feel entitled to things. They don’t make the distinction between what they need and what they want. The result is, we are raising children with narcissistic qualities. We did a four-part blog series on this very topic, so if you are curious to learn more, please check it out (see links at the bottom of this post). I find that helping my children to understand that other children don’t even get what they need is an effective way of driving the point home.

One way we do this in our home as through our relationship with Seng Vy, the little girl we sponsored at the Cambodia Children’s Fund. Seng Vy is in between the ages of our two girls. She was rescued by Scott Neeson, Founder of CCF, from a fate of picking garbage from a toxic dump near her home. Today, she is thriving with healthy food, safe shelter, and love. CCF also provides her an education. Our girls write to Seng Vy and send her pictures and care packages of small things they think she will enjoy. The caring translators at CCF convey our messages to Seng Vy in her native tongue and then take the time to give us her feedback in emails written to me in English. It is an amazing program and has served to help us to explain the difference between need and want and to demonstrate our responsibility to help those who are less fortunate.

Another way you could make this distinction in your home is to adopt a family this holiday season. Find the local nonprofit near you that helps families who are going through a tough time get the essentials they need with the help of other families. Your children can review the wish list with you and help you to choose a warm coat or boots or a book they’ve been dreaming about. You can pick out the supplies for the family’s dinner with your children. As an alternative, you can volunteer in a soup kitchen with your children, so they can see first hand that others struggle each day to get what they need. I promise you that these activities will catalyze meaningful discussions with your child about what’s most important in life.
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The Top 16 Ways Parents Can Prevent Their Children From Becoming Narcissists:

Part 1

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4