Negotiating the Gray –– It’s a Process

I recently finished reading Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters, by JoAnn Deak, Ph.D. (www.deakgroup.com) with Teresa Barker. I strongly recommend this book for parents, educators, and coaches of girls, and I guarantee that you will glean from it “pearls of wisdom” for which you will be grateful. As an enticement to read the book, I’d like to share with you some of the take-away messages of the first chapter of the book entitled, The Search for Perspective.

“Negotiating the Gray.” Dr. Deak suggests that parenting is helping a girl to navigate through the chaos of life or “negotiating the gray.” The reality is that the world is mostly gray, not black and white. Dr. Deak cautions parents from approaching issues in “fix it” mode and instead to understand that it is a process. She points out that what makes negotiating the gray so challenging is that often times parents and teachers are doing the same thing in their own lives – struggling with identities, priorities, and values. Moreover, society no longer provides clarity about what is OK and what is not. Dr. Deak advises that the first order of business is to think about what you value most and let that serve as the foundation for your reasoning as you and your daughter negotiate the gray.

The Process. Dr. Deak helpfully outlines the steps necessary to negotiate the gray. Step 1: Consciously measure your responses in a manner that allows for deeper exploration of the underlying issues and concerns your daughter may have, or as Dr. Deak advises, “don’t jump into the deep water; wade in and see how far you need to go.” Step 2: Listen without judgment or the need to identify a solution. Be an active, empathic listener. Sometimes all a girl needs is acknowledgment of her situation and feelings. Step 3: Continue to listen and guide her understanding of the situation. Dr. Deak provides the following illustration, “When you said that you hate school, you mentioned some things, but could you help me understand by giving some examples?” In so doing, you are helping your daughter to see things more clearly. Step 4: Discuss possible strategies. Here again, it is important to refrain from being too judgmental. The goal is to let her practice thinking of strategies and weighing their probability of success or failure. Step 5. Arrive at resolution through action or acceptance. The final step becomes clear as the situation either dissolves over time or requires action or acceptance.

Take the Opportunity to Shape Them. Throughout the entire process of negotiating the gray, be comfortable making value statements about your core philosophies or moral standards. Since so much of the world is gray, it is vital for children to know about the areas that we as parents deem to be black and white, and this understanding gives them a sense of relief and comfort. “When we embrace the process of connection, listening, and sharing strategy, we create opportunity for genuine growth in our girls, ourselves, and our institutions,” Dr. Deak concludes.

As a mother of two girls (and one boy!), I applaud Dr. Deak for sharing her “guiding principles for understanding girls, understanding their hopes and dreams as well as their struggles and pain, and understanding what we can do, as adults, to create family and school environments in which they can find their best selves and live their best lives.”